Yesterday, I couldn’t sleep. Pandemic languish maybe. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to go out and reintegrate, perhaps. I wasn’t feeling the love. I felt a sense of grief. Strangely, I was grieving my close friendships. But, how can you grieve a friendship which currently exists in your life? You can.
Over the last 3 years, almost 50% of which have been in COVID, I’ve evolved in different ways and the fabric of my friendships have changed. I have to admit many friendships are not what they were before. This was probably already a foot, but COVID seems to have amplified the impact a million fold.
The wave of sadness hit me like a tsunami. The loss of belonging to a group that took weekend gathering for granted. My college gang, with whom I had perennial access to innocent adventures. My first cigarette. A crush. Staying awake studying. My dad complaining about the landline phone bill. Simple joys of life experienced on a budget.
I grieved the loss of plans made on the fly. Plans which smacked of irresponsibility. These were before children’s schedules and partner priorities intruded. Sweet intrusions, but intrusions, none the less. Bitter sweet.
I grieved the company of friends who knowingly rolled their eyes at my quirks, forgiving my ridiculousness, and yet finding a way to celebrate how much joy I brought to their world. I grieved not having to be politically correct, aware, woke. I’m not saying I’d trade these. I’m just saying I miss the effortlessness of timeless connections which exist in spite of these element and not because of them.
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But what is grief if not the most profound expression of love. I explored my grief.
It led me to express my feelings through my current go to medium of creativity – art journaling. I found an old letter from a friend. It was a gift from her on the eve of my departure to the US in ’97, when I believed I was starting a new life in a new place and wasn’t mature enough to understand the depth of a friendship of a lifetime. I took a snapshot on my iPhone and sent it to her and she texted back “I still mean every word I wrote”. 25 years of life rolled over us like a cement tanker, but it hasn’t snuffed out the essence of our relationship. I searched and came upon this beautiful quote by Confucius which articulated what I long for in my connections. I’ve always wanted this. I guess I now have more clarity.
And then as the grief washed over and past me, I realized that to be loved by a friend is to love myself. Before I grieved the inevitable changes of life, it felt like a ray of sunshine behind an impenetrable cloud, trying to push through, but I wouldn’t let it. By grieving in this manner, I realized that it’s my relationship with myself that I look back upon and try and navigate. I perhaps am grieving that girl who loved herself so hard and fiercely, without a second thought, that the sun always reached the darkest parts.
So, off I go to love myself today. And let my friends shine their love on me when I do.
